Jacelle

It starts with birth control...then comes Nazi totalitarianism...

2012-02-16T12:41:00.000-08:00

An awesome response to fear mongering from what let's hope is the "far right."

Happy Valentines Day

2012-02-14T14:56:00.000-08:00

"You're the strangest person I ever met, she said & I said you too & we decided we'd know each other a long time."
~ Brian Andreas

Ticked at Bieber

2012-02-13T12:06:00.001-08:00

I don't feel that I have to defend the fact that I watched Justin Bieber: Never Say Never this morning on Netflix. But I will say that I sometimes work better if there is some background noise, which is what I was after when I pressed play. He's an incredibly talented young man with an extraordinary story. But perhaps the most entertaining nugget about the movie was this review from an apparently angry and disgruntled middle aged man:

"Ok, real simple question. How old is he, like seventeen at the most? So what exactly does "never" mean to him anyway? I cant stand hearing people, especially him, talk about how persistent he was and how he never gave up in the face of adversity. What adversity? He made his first million before he was old enough to drive a car. Is he aware that there are people out there that have been trying to make it the music industry longer than he's been alive. Adversity is working a sixty hour week and still not having enough to pay the bills. Persevering in the face of adversity is finding the strength to work your fingers to the bone every day of your life for pack of ungrateful children and a menopausal spouse without turning into an alcoholic. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion on whether or not they like his music. But, it is not a matter of opinion to say that he is abnormally famous and wealthy at a remarkably young age. In other words, everyone else has worked harder for less. He never said never?!?! Of course not, he didnt have time between getting potty trained and learning how to talk. Don't tell me about perseverance you little queer, a hard days work and a cold beer would literally kill you. Justin, by all means, enjoy your success, but never make the colossal mistake of forgetting what you really are, lucky and blessed. More so than almost anyone else on the entire planet...Seriously, just say "thank you" and quit acting like you spent the last thirty years curing cancer."

I think the question here, though he may have a point or two, is what was a cranky guy like him doing watching it in the first place? I bet he sent his kids to bed without dinner and then poured some scotch that night after he watched it.

The best weapon is the one you never have to fire

2012-02-07T10:02:00.000-08:00

On Saturday life partner, one of the most laid back men I have ever met, and I decided to hit the cinema. We saw Chronicle - I give it a C+ if you were wondering. Anyway as we were trying to get out of the parking lot we ran into some inconsiderate pedestrians that J could not deal with. It was a couple that was walking down the middle of the road, blocking cars from going past them. We were right behind them following them at a snails pace waiting for them to move to the side so traffic could get going. Though J is seriously the most patient person I have ever met in my life, when it comes to waiting on computers (things to load, download etc) and traffic he doesn't have a lot of tolerance. And with the two traffic-blocking idiots that night, whatever patience he did have was worn through. He gave them what I like to call a "courtesy honk," letting them know that they were holding things up. But instead of looking back and then moving to the side the guy turned around and glared at J. He just stood there with this crusty on his face for like five seconds and then J yelled "MOOOOVE!!" That was all it took for the idiot to start walking toward the car, ready to start something. Now I have been in this situation before with past beaus of more volatile natures. It usually doesn't end well - often with blood and sometimes cops - and at this point my heart would be pounding out of my chest. But that night I was hardly worried. We were in my car and it was dark so the idiot couldn't see what he was about to go up against. I let him walk a little closer to the car, looking tough and calling us out, before I opened my door. The car light went on and he saw that behind the wheel of this tiny car was actually a 6'6," 330 lb. Samoan. I calmly said to him, "Please move on, you don't want this." He quickly did an about face, cursing us under his breath to his lady and bounced. No blood, no threatening words, no confrontation. Just a light. Smart dude.

From "Fatty McGee" to "Hmm I guess not really"

2012-02-02T08:57:00.000-08:00

About five or six years ago when he was headed into his teens my baby brother went through his chubby phase. I thought he was adorable, but I suppose that when the siblings closest in age to you stay bean poles during their developmental years it could give you a complex. And for him it did.
Ever since then he has thought himself fat, regardless of the fact that a few years later he blossomed into a 6'2" slender swan. Despite now being skinny, though, thankfully, keeping his healthy sized rump that inspired his nickname "Juicy Double," he carries the body image of a blimp. I, who have been chubby my whole life, among other siblings (not to mention names but I am looking at you Elder) have had our share of giggles exploiting his little fat kid within. Example:
He is teasing me about something and I respond with "shut your fat face," only to see him crumble and look at me through sad eyes and say something tragic like "I already know I'm fat, you don't have to remind me."
It's mean, I know. But it has always given me a good laugh at the irony that he is so completely skinny and handsome and accomplished, but the nonsensical issue of his nonexistent chub rolls is the one thing that can bring him down. Anyway I guess once you hit your 30s it's time to stop exploiting your siblings' weak spots, so I have now been working on bringing him to a healthy level of body image rationale. It must be working because I got this little nugget this week.

So I guess we have gone from "Blimpie" to "Fatty McGee" to "I Guess I'm Really Not Fat." I'll take it as serious progress.

What he thinks he looks like...

What he actually looks like....

Oh and did I mention he could do this....

The "I don't know why" weekend

2012-01-23T11:48:00.000-08:00

Two things should have tipped me off that this weekend was going to be challenging, to say the least. On Saturday morning, getting ready to go dive the Homestead Crater* up in Heber, I was trying on one of those elastic headbands used to hold bangs back when you are swimming. It had slid down to the middle of my forehead and as I grabbed it to pull it back my fingers slipped and I snapped myself in the middle of the forehead. Hard. I still have a mark now three days later. Then walking out the door later that morning, as an after thought, I went back into the house and grabbed a jacket while giving my gentleman lover the mock lecture/finger wagging “if you fail to plan then you plan to fail.” A classic jinx.

Looking back, there are a ton of “I don’t know why we did thats” from that day, the first being ignoring the fact that there was supposed to be a huge storm coming that morning and J was wearing sandals and no shirt other than the one he was going to dive with. Also I don’t know why, when we knew there was a storm coming, that we headed out to cross two mountain passes, hauling four full air tanks and other SCUBA gear, in Abigale, my little coupe, when we also have a perfectly capable F-150. I don’t know why we chose not to bring any clothes, or underwear for that matter, given the fact that we would be leaving soaked and no doubt cold. And I don’t know why we didn’t gas up before hand or even checked our money accounts. I really don’t know why.

But by the time we hit Parleys Summit near Park City we were driving in snow and at Strawberry Summit it was packed ice and low visibility. But we made it safely into the Heber Valley and to the resort in Midway, where it was just light rain. The dive was glorious and warm but three hours later when we emerged everything was white and the snow was coming down fast, heavy and wet. Abigale BARELY made it out of the parking lot and we were sliding everywhere. We finally made it to a gas station to fill up, only to find out that both ways out of the valley were treacherous and nearly out of the question in my car. (They actually closed one of the passes for a while that day). We knew we were going to have to find a place to stay. But here’s the tricky thing about newlywed finances, which we are still trying to figure out. We have our money spread across five different accounts (I promise we aren’t just idiots, there is kind of a rhyme and reason to it) and that day we had brought cards to only two – the two with very little money in them. And we certainly didn’t have the money on us to book a hotel at Sundance Film Festival prices.

So sitting there under that 7-Eleven gas pump awning eating hotdogs** two 30 year olds called their parents and asked for money to book a hotel. We ended up at the Swiss Alps Inn, taking the second to last room available in town, soaked***, cold, humbled and exhausted. I would imagine back in the 70s the SAI was a honeymoon hotel for lovers complete with the bright red blankets and hearts painted everywhere. However 30 years later the décor seems baffling and slightly creepy when paired with that faint smell of smoke that accompanies old smoking rooms. After checking in we managed to make it a block down the street to Walgreens where we scored a matching set of long underwear (the only kind of clothes they had there), toothbrushes and two Cadbury Eggs for good measure. The following 24 hours were spent lounging in our long underwear, battling power outages and watching Dateline. We did managed to put on our wet clothes long enough to go grab some Chinese food**** later that night.

The next morning the door was frozen shut. But after Junior busted through we made the drive of shame, wearing the same clothes, back to the crater for our second dive and then made it home safely without incident. I don’t feel it’s necessary here to go through the list of everything I learned from this weekend. The humiliation alone is enough to burn countless lessons into my very soul.

* Awesome place, 60ft deep with 90 degree mineral water.
**Chalk it up to stress eating. It was like the sickest hotdog ever but post diving hunger makes you do really irrational things.
***Jun was shirtless with only a light jacket on and snow caked on his sandals. As an alternative he put back on his wet SCUBA boots because he said they were the warmer option.
****Its called Canton City and it is hands down the best Chinese food I have had in like 10 years.

It's pretty good.....

2012-01-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

It may not number among my all time favorites books, but then again I couldn't stop talking about it for two weeks. The Red Tent is REALLY interesting, thought provoking and an awesome story. The Old Testament and I are not exactly close acquaintances but when you put a magnifying glass on a single bible story (this one in particular) and then throw in some provocative fiction it can make for quite a tale. Plus, where there are very few women mentioned in the bible it's interesting having a female perspective, fiction or not. If you choose to take the book on just push through part one, it's kind of slow but it gets way better. Oh, and there is quite a bit of wonky period/becoming a woman talk. So brace yourself for that weirdness.

The final 25...

2012-01-06T11:59:00.001-08:00

Well I finished it. My 100 day quest only took like, ummm 650 days. But at least I successfully came up with 100 things I truly love. Sadly my muse and inspiration for the quest fell short on his love list by about 64. But let's be honest. We knew it would end up this way didn't we?

76. The first day in spring when you can go outside without a jacket.
77. Almond Butter
78. Ferrero Rocher. The official sponsor of the Malili-Erickson engagement
79. Shameless product placement on the Biggest Loser. It's blatant, cheesy and poorly done, but its highly entertaining
80. Audiobooks
81. Having and umbrella when it rains
82. A wide open freeway.
83. Spotless side view mirrors - no water spots or streaks
84. Marshmallow Mateys. They are as addictive as heroin. I generally avoid because I have been known to lose control
85. Having something fixed that has been broken for a long time
86. Eyelash curlers
87. People that help motorists having car trouble
88. Edamame
89. Chef Todd's pit seasoning. It makes everything better. Ask me about it. You won't regret it.
90. Driving on the Bonneville Salt Flats. Empty, smooth nothingness. There's nothing like it.
91. Mad Men. If you can make it past season one this show will rock your world. Addicted
92. When uncoordinated people try to run with a heavy backpack.
93. Finding something good at the D.I. I have never been a shopper until recently since there is one by my house. There is a LOT of junk there but every once in a while you get a gem and it makes you feel like you've won something.
94. 20/20. No I am not 65 years old but this show never fails to suck me in. The ominous background music, the dramatic narration, the cheesy personifying of hot shot detectives. Delicious.
95. Anna's famous chocolate cake.
96. Flashing yellow arrow left hand turn signals. Why these aren't used more I will never understand. Traffic moves better, you save time AND reduce emissions. Seriously, why aren't there more?
97. Village Inn Candy Cane Pie. I don't even like pies, but this beyond rocks my world. It's unbelievably bad for you so I urge you to avoid looking at the nutritional info, even so, once you've had it I doubt it would keep you away.
98. My diamond necklace J got me for Christmas. I never thought I would be a diamond necklace person since they are obviously only for fancy ladies, but I'm happy to give it a whirl.
99. The show New Girl. It's hilarious and to be honest I have been waiting for it to get old, but nope, still hilarious. Love Zooey Deschanel.
100. New Years Eve 2011. One of the best I've had.

Entire lists here here and here

Farewell holiday season......

2012-01-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

Thanks for getting me through the first half of gross winter....

A healthy Christmas haul.

Hours of boys flying their Christmas fighter helicopters into each other.

Family holiday party.

Trax-ing it to downtown on New Years.

A very confusing New Years Eve "loofa dress."

2012 Countdown at Keys on Main. Insane fun.

This dude

2011-12-29T09:54:00.000-08:00

Seriously the funniest trainer I have ever seen. He completely takes the hilarity of MTV's "I Used to be Fat" to a different level. He can go ahead and speak for himself.

"My name is Joey, I am the best trainer on the earth, I believe."

"Everyone does the curls for the girls but that's not what its about. It's about the the tri for the guy. Because when you get all the guys in the room to realize that the tri is in their eye, they back off. Also when the girls see that all the other dudes have taken a reverential stance toward the big bear, they'll know what's up and they'll recognize the alpha dog in the room."

"Get yourself kicked off the planet. Who can put a limit on intensity. Everyone wants to think there must be a magic potion or that your mom was impregnated by a waterbuffalo, so you're genetics are absurd. Sometimes the answer is just training like a genius lunatic and never screwing up until the goal is met."

Awesomeness.

Happy Holidays... sans the awkward couples photo

2011-12-21T10:28:00.000-08:00

I've had a few Christmases without a tree. Some years I just kind of thought it was pointless since I would be out of town for Christmas anyway. This year was supposed to be the same until on the way to a checkout line my life partner snagged a $10 baby tree because, "why not?" Anyway consider this the quintessential Christmas blog. We tried to take pictures with us in it as well but since the tree was so tiny and we are giants the pics turned out extremely awkward - like we were intimidating a Christmas-decorated house plant. Nonetheless, Merry Christmas!

Give me the chair...

2011-12-16T14:11:00.001-08:00

So this time I decided not to solicit opinion or announce to anyone that I was going to get my hair relaxed. Last time it was met by shunning and name calling, in fact one kind, sweet, hair expert roommate of mine whose opinion I relied on heavily called me a "dumb a$$" when I told her I was doing it. While most just did a lot of whining about how "people" would kill for my hair and I was going to ruin it. As usual when I ask who "those people" are they don't have much of an answer. Anyhow I suspect that these before and after pictures will more than be able to speak in defense of my choice to go to the chair last week....

BEFORE...unruly, overly big, unmanageable, out of control and I got dreads on a daily basis:

AFTER....Smoother, manageable, less crazy, more control, no dreads yet! Yay.

So do I have people on my team now?

I have a name, you have a number

2011-12-08T20:52:00.000-08:00

I have always been a big fan of a sound verbal spanking. Maybe it's because I never really got them growing up. Both of my parents, when perturbed would generally turn to yelling, sometimes gibberish, or of course would resort to a smack. Or maybe it's because a quality and genuine verbal spanking is rare since people aren't generally "on" when they are irritated, frustrated or under duress. But this lady, wow. As a sexual assault victim, she opted out of anonymity so she could give her attacker what can only be described as a verbal thrashing on the day of his sentencing. I mean, she took him to the wood shed:

"I just want to tell you — and I want you to look at me when I address you...You have not broken my spirit. You have not changed my belief in God. If anything, you've strengthened both. I am not a victim. I am the victor, the stronger and the winner..."
"I contribute to my community. You help decay yours. My life will never be the same. You know why? It's going to be better than it was before....My tears are out of joy because I'll never see you again. Ever."

And for the finale....

"Oh and by the way, I do have one more thing," she said. "My name is Heidi Elizabeth Damon. I have a name. I have a name that will go on forever. You have a number and the title of the crimes that you've committed. Your name is Sex Offender, Attempted Murderer. Nice to put you away."

I freaking can't with this......

2011-11-29T15:15:00.000-08:00

Oh my hell. Let me first say I do not own this book. I apparently had a copy of my friend's at my house a while ago and lost it. So I ordered a new one for her and decided to give it a skim to see what the fuss was about. I had my nose in it all afternoon and it has left me with a solid case of nausea. This lady is so off the mark and her rambling seems to come from straight from a women's magazine from the 1930s. I know this because my friends and I used to look up articles like this just to laugh at them. But this book was written in 2004, not 1935. It makes some staggeringly unfair and archaic assumptions about the characters of women i.e silly, demanding, weak, oppressive, stupid, lazy, and demonizes females with expectations, interests and ambitions outside the worlds of their husbands. Moreover it fails to recognize the reality that these days it's often a necessity to have both parents working to support the family - that's a big game changer right there, lady. She oversimplifies men and paints them as helpless, needy dimwits who too often get trapped in destructive marriages solely due to the intrinsic evil and maniacal selfishness of the modern day woman.

Example: Some lady wanted to get a new cat. But her husband said no. She just wanted to know why her husband didn't want a cat so she could understand where he was coming from. In a nutshell Dr. Laura told the woman that she really only wanted to know why he didn't want the cat so she could "manipulate him" into giving her what she wanted. And as a wife she shouldn't demand reasons from him because he probably just didn't want to engage in arguments about it and get beat down from her nagging. Then she went on to say that those who disagree with that were "never going to be happily married."

That chapter pretty much did it for me and I had to resist from throwing it off the balcony. But then again it has sold more than a million copies. So who are the readers subscribing to this crap? Rick Santorum, is that you? Well I decided to read reviews on it and found one good review to every 8-10 poor ones who share the same opinion about the book as me. This one was my favorite.

This book operates on two basic premises:
Men want a mommy/maid/prostitute who raises their children, cleans up after them, and puts out whenever he snaps his fingers. No relationship is necessary or even wanted.
Women only want to spend money. So in order to achieve that goal, they should actively pursue the mommy/maid/prostitute role without complaint and they will get presents.

The caveat here I guess is that if you are actually a lazy, frumpy, selfish, contemptuous and dumb housewife that refuses to put out or do anything at home and expects your husband to take sole responsibility of EVERYTHING, including your happiness, well then sure, this book could be for you.

But for my part, I am lucky to be surrounded by women, who are apparent rarities according to the book, that are great examples good wives and mothers. They stay beautiful not just for their husbands but because they have self worth. They question their husbands and vice versa because they want to increase their understanding of the person they love, as well as be understood. They balance their relationship in healthy shared responsibilities with their husbands and setting expectations for their lives and nudging their families, including their husbands in directions of improvement - be it health and fitness, time management or finances - has proven to be positive.

Ugh I have to just stop here because ridiculousness comes in all forms and raging about it won't change that it exists. Besides, there are too many reasonable, fair and progressive people out there for this book to do too much damage.

Even so if you want to read the most well-put review on this book go here. It's the 6th one down.

Tissues, snot and diamond rings

2011-11-27T01:02:00.000-08:00

Exactly one year ago my manfriend and I ventured out to find a Long Beach 7-Eleven to score some Nyquil for my disgusting drippy head cold. Three hours later I came back engaged to him. Thanks Universe, you did me a solid. I guess we are even from the time 20 years ago when I found myself stuck backwards in that tube slide on the playground. This definitely made up for it.

Poetic justice in the most profound form

2011-11-22T07:07:00.000-08:00

About four years ago I was in a lane switching war with some guy. Not that it's exactly news living in Salt Lake. There is some phenomenon where, even though this is statistically one of the most kind and charitable cities, once on the freeway drivers automatically become ass hats. It's a race, highway warfare really, and by letting just one car in front of you, you are apparently giving up a large part of yourself. If you have driven here on any freeway just once, I don't have to say anymore. So anyway, that day years ago I happened to be driving my parents' car, full of my family, and was trying to get over into an exit lane. But this guy would absolutely not let me and we were about to miss the exit. Finally I just decided to push in thinking he would just give in - better to let a car in than get in a wreck right? He sped up even more and we were in a game of chicken that he was going to win. I wasn't willing to let him hit me so I quickly aborted mission and when he was up alongside me he looked over at me and sneered.

I haven't forgotten that day, or that sneering tool bag. It's been years but the memory of a guy that was ready to hit a car load of my family members before he would let us off an exit has stayed fresh - not only because it completely incensed me that day, but because he was probably still out there being asinine and getting away with it on the roads. And I want him to get his.

Well last week I was driving back from Orem. Yep, still making that awesome commute only usually I am on the express bus. Anyway it was dark and there were like a million wrecks that night so my top speed for a good half of the drive was around 16 mph. Anyway while approaching one of the crashes it became apparent early that we all had to get over into the far two right lanes. I had some time but started trying to make my way over there anyway. The thing about bad traffic is that most people, the non-ass hat variety, just let their cars roll, breaking whenever they need to. But I ran into trouble when this car refused to let me in. I was really in no hurry so I just waited for her - I personified the driver as a dumb UVU girl in my mind - to eventually pass me and another opportunity to come up. Well that didn't happen so in a last ditch effort I went assertive and tried to push in. She sped WAY up, outing me, and then slammed on the breaks when she was right next to me. Only she wasn't a "she." I looked over and there was, I swear, the same tool bag from four years ago, looking at me dead on with that same assy sneer. It all happened really fast, but right as the anger started to boil something beautiful happened.

The thing about speeding up and slowing down in wall to wall traffic is others follow your lead. And when he accelerated, so did the car behind him, only they didn't know he was doing it to push me out, rather they thought traffic was on the move. So it's no surprise they weren't expecting him to brake all of a sudden. The impact was minor, but seeing him and his car lurch helplessly forward after being hit and the whiplash that would no doubt have him sore for a day or two was worth a million dollars. No, a billion dollars. My grudge from four years ago vanished and anger instantly turned to delight. It was like the universe saying, "hey there, let road jerks be the jerks that they are. They'll get their comeuppance. I'll see to that." Oh, and I went ahead and switched lanes in front of him after that.

Now, for you skeptics, I get that this story is kind of far fetched. With around 2 million people on the Wasatch Front how could I run into the same guy? Well a) it's still possible and b) it is what I saw. And I am sure enough it was him that I feel with strong satisfaction that justice was served.

Elevens

2011-11-13T18:40:00.000-08:00

11.11.11 at 11:11 a.m.

I think J's eyes are closed because he was just really feeling the moment...

Trick or ......

2011-10-31T08:15:00.000-07:00

I'm no clothing prude. In fact there were a few summers in college where I barely wore clothes, save it be undies and a blanket or sheet. I skinny dip whenever possible and probably wear swimming suits more than I should. So I have never been one to judge those who seek escape from clothing confinements. But Halloween just puts me over the edge. Since when did it become Slutoween. I mean why does every costume for girls have to be trampish - a sexy cop, slutty nurse, a hoochie zombie, sexy Disney character etc. And somehow, no matter what the outfit is, fishnet stockings or thigh highs are always worked in. It's not the sexiness of the costumes that I take issue with, rather the lack of creativity. I mean basically a skimpy negligée, mixed with cleavage, stilettos and a hat, ears, or horns, is a costume. As ladies, is that the extent of our creativity? Anyway Whoraween is something that I have been mildly annoyed with for years – I say mildly because for me it's is one of those "eh" holidays like Columbus Day or Arbor day. But this year 2fresh made me so proud that I almost felt ashamed that I opted out of Trampoween festivities.

How did she come up with it? Well she liked noodles. That's the long and the short of it. A quick trip to Michaels and an afternoon with markers, yarn and styrofoam produced the best, most creative costume I have seen. She showed up to the party late and didn't win the costume contest, outraging a number of party goers. But she made me again believe in female Halloween creativity. She even did it without the fishnets.

The power of PhotoShop

2011-10-24T11:23:00.001-07:00

.....whats wrong with this picture

Hint...........

I only had two brothers in the United States when this was taken......

I don't.....I can't.....

2011-10-12T11:50:00.001-07:00

Imagine you talking to a friend. You don't know them very well but the more you talk to them the more you realize they get you, get life, get how it is. They are so down to earth, and so painfully real that it's staggering. You still don't know much about them but you sit there listening and talking because even though you don't know where this is going, you feel like there is a chance that you will come out of it enlightened and inspired because of how profound they are. Things go great and as they stand up to say goodbye, walking to the door the friend takes their fist and puts it through the wall. You stand their horrified, trying to figure out what happened, what went wrong. Why?? But then the friend looks at you, apologizes, takes out a drywall kit, messily patches the wall, apologizes again and walks out the door. You are left standing there thinking 'what the hell' and you wonder how you just sat there for hours with the same person that just destroyed your entry way. That's how I felt when reading One Day. Even so, I'm gonna see the movie, whenever it comes back to the dollar seats.

This month is off to a kick A start because....

2011-10-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

My plant, Gloria, is thriving in the wild. She's really gonna make it.

I got to have Cold Stone Coffee Lovers Signature Sunday. Fuhgget about it.

Random Bagpipe player outside the downtown Farmer's Market. I don't know why but it really made my day. Maybe because my broham is in Scotland.

Fall workouts have made me fall in love all over again with the most comfortable cross trainers I've ever had.

I got flowers and chocolates from my life partner just because. Marriage doesn't suck.

Absolutely love it. I hadn't been for a long time until last Saturday but it was all I remembered and more.

Gym Discrimination

2011-09-19T10:54:00.000-07:00

This is actually my gym and it's a very real policy. There is however no rules against staring, men wearing daisy dukes, or having restful picnics on the equipment.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

The Plight of Muscled Americans

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show Full Episodes

Political Humor & Satire Blog

The Daily Show on Facebook

I guess it's time....

2011-09-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

Goodbye summer. May you come earlier next year...

Yes. Yes! A thousand times, yes!!

2011-09-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

I fell in love with his music in the third grade.

Who's with me? Anybody? Trevor?

Things I didn't need today..

2011-08-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

• Party Rock Anthem at 6:45 a.m.

• The bus AC to fail

• A flat tire on the work golf cart

• A high of 99 degrees

• A broken sandal

Love it

2011-08-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

I am going to excuse myself from really saying a lot about this book and movie pairing, simply because so much has already been said. But yes, the rumors are true. The Help is brilliant, touching and takes you from laughing to crying to wanting to rip heads off. Per usual, the 400 page book gives quite a bit more but the movie is good enough to stand alone if you haven't already read it. It's good. Really good. In fact, I am going to go ahead and place it in my top 10. Get it. Read it. See it.

Humanity - Wow or WTH?

2011-08-22T14:49:00.000-07:00

Last week the universe served me a healthy dish of humble pie. I was on the train, hot and with the normal level of annoyance that I generally have on the last leg of my commute. This guy came and sat right in front of me, slamming his knee into mine with barely an apology. He was kind of weird looking and tended to stare at people so I spent some time judging what his upbringing must have been like i.e. lack of home-training, raised in poor taste as evidence by his tacky tattoos that ran down his arm which included hot rod flames, that matched his shoes, as well as the face of an average looking girl that I assumed was his old high school flame - now etched in fading ink and regret on his forearm.

A few stops down a small family got on with two kids. Ugh. Kids are the worst on afternoon trains – I’ve seen them drop suckers and gum on the floor and seats, run amuck and bawl their heads off. I braced for a few more stops of fresh annoyances as they were getting on, the mom first, then the two young kids, and then the dad. The train was pretty packed and there was really no place to sit, especially for a family of four. The mom walked down about four spaces from me, while tacky tattoo guy followed her with his stare. Just as I was about to yell at him in my mind, “Damn! Have some discretion with your gawking.” He jumped up and quickly walked over to her, telling her they could have his bench. She shyly sat down with her quiet and well-behaved children, while her husband came and stood beside her. I scooted closer to the window and invited him to sit down next to me and across from her, which he did thankfully. I was blown away and ashamed of my unfair assumptions. I have RARELY, only once in fact, seen a guy give up his seat on the Trax train. This guy was a kind and thoughtful gentleman and I unfairly made heinous assumptions. I am wretched. And to add insult to injury, as I was getting off at my stop this homeless looking guy, who I see on the train ALL the and who I had decided was either mentally not there or drunk, pushes the door open for me and smiles at me as I am getting off the train. Wow. I needed to sit down. I took a silent vow that I would be more mindful of my mean-girl judgmental thoughts, even if I never did give voice to them and even if they were just a symptom of an hour and a half commute in 95-degree heat. From that day on I have had more understanding and patience with people, giving them the benefit of the doubt and feeling a tiny bit more love for man-kind.

Fast-forward to this morning. I was driving on the freeway through the mind-bloggling construction in Utah County, when I felt my car start to wobble, like I didn’t have a lot of control. I kind of started going all over the road and correcting it was hard. I knew it was a flat and as the grinding noise grew louder I knew I needed to get off the freeway immediately, even though I was only one exit away from work. I pulled off right in front of a Harley store, an automotive shop and a tire shop. Plus it was right in construction zone with construction workers all over, mostly just sitting in their trucks. A stroke of luck indeed. Having only changed a tire once in my life, and under supervision, I decided to solicit help thinking all it would be was a few bucks. And that was only if I couldn’t attain their good will. So I walked over the automotive shop and told them my plight.
He barely batted an eye.
“Well we don’t do much with tires. I could probably help you if you had a spare but…”

“Yes, that’s all I need. I have a spare, I just can’t figure out my jack”

“It’s probably best for you to go talk to them (shop next door). They may not be in yet but you wouldn’t have to wait long.”

“Umm...Ok”

No one was at the place next door and fighting tears (I really don’t know why - maybe because I was at the mercy of strangers that refused to help me) I walked through the road construction to the other side of the road and busted out the tools and my owner's manual, while the construction dudes watched me a few yards away from their trucks. I had to stand on the tire iron to loosen the lug nuts and when it would give and fall off the nut I would fall and stumble. This happened with each one I loosened, and I could only imagine the road construction guys having a good laugh. I laid on the ground searching for a place to put the jack and then got up, looked in the manual and back to the ground. I was mad at myself for not knowing how to do this and looking like a dumb girl, or at the very least, not having AAA. But most of all I was incensed my these thoughtless a-holes that couldn’t be bothered to show any sort of concern when I was right under their nose. My dad would have helped, my brothers would have helped, my life-partner would have helped and just about every one of my guy friends would have come over to see what they could do. Who were these godless heathens? A few minutes later after I was covered in grime and dirt, these two old guys from a nearby greenhouse shop stopped by in their floppy hats and took over for me, showing me how to do it and why I was getting stumped. It took all of five minutes and they were on their way like it was nothing. They will be getting a basket of cookies.

I am not sure what the moral of this tale is. But I have kind of been knocked off the humanity high that I got from the train that day. I guess now my mindset is this: “A lot of people suck. But some don’t. Keep the faith”

Mah Stories...

2011-08-06T09:57:00.001-07:00

Hunger games series: Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay. Great story. Easy read. Action-packed. Unpredictable.
I would say more about it but there really is no frame of reference here. It's set in a different world as we now know it (the present time is "ancient times" in the books) everything about it is unique, and the storyline draws from nothing but the authors twisted yet brilliant mind. To be honest I expected to be a little underwhelmed due to all the hype around the series before I read it - plus it's young adult lit so I didn't know how bubblegum it was going to be. Not so. It's actually pretty dark but with enough triumphs to keep you hopeful and you don't want to kill yourself at the end. (I am looking at you Kite Runner.) I couldn't put it down and I loved Suzanne Collin's knock-you-off-your-feet-without-a-warning style. Downside - the protagonist is not always the most likeable, but then again she is a 17-year old brooding girl so it's true to form. Unlike Bella though, in the Twighlight Series, she is not a brat for free so you don't hate her like you do Bella. Because of her background you can at least empathize with her behavior and what she is going through. I would definitely recommend these books.

And then there is this Swedish mystery novel The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo(I was told by a good friend, who's literary taste I completely trust, that this was a must-read, only to find out later she hadn't actually read it.)

I mean, I make fun of my mom all the time for not liking books or movies that address issues that are sad, unpleasant or scary. Mama wants gleeful endings with lambs, flowers and singing all the way. I, however appreciate something that builds perspective, even if its painful or messy or tough - as long as its not gratuitous. The disclaimer here is that I don't like to watch Law and Order: SVU because it's a little grizzly for me sometimes, so that is where I am coming from.
But this book was almost too much for me. It's really good. Like can't-put-it-down good. But there things that go down that are pretty gruesome. It may take you a day to shake the violence, murders, attacks etc. that happen, or that they are investigating in the book - at least it did for me anyway. I am not sure if I will read the other two books in that series, and plus from what I can tell they are pretty much stand-alone anyway. On the flip-side they are coming out with a movie this winter, with Daniel Craig. The Swedes already made one but I would rather wait for an American one than do the whole caption thing during a butt-clencher as intense as I am sure this one will be. All in all, read at your own risk, but you won't be bored.

Mr.S Degree

2011-08-02T19:44:00.000-07:00

Exactly one month ago I woke up married. There was a crazy week that ended with a two days of pictures, dancing, cake, friends, family, mountains of food and Spanx. There were some high notes, which included amazing performances and a few tears, and some lower notes, which may include the DJ playing Vanilla Ice and me forgetting to do my hair the day of the wedding. Thirty-one days later it's not anymore real than it was on day one. But I will say that for me, so far, the idea of marriage was a lot more scary than the practice. I live with a guy that I love, that takes care of me like I am the only one in the world, makes me laugh, lifts things that are too heavy, reaches things that are too high, sings me songs and let's me force him to watch The Bachelorette when the girls aren't around. Life is good. Really good. Call me the Mrs......but not for another six months or so, I am still trying to slowly wade into the titles.
Hot A bridesmaids.

An array of emotions

If could choose two people to be exiled on an island with...

Pretty Party

Friends and lovers. Thanks you guys!

A Salt Flats photo shoot story....

2011-06-29T11:16:00.001-07:00

On a perfect day in May we journeyed to the vast white

We dressed and undressed right out their in the open
We took some fun pictures
Relaxed..
And pondered the meaning of life..
Then I put on my finest slip and tank top and took the honeys to a buffet. When in Rome....
But then we ate too much....way too much. And it apparently put Amelia into a trance...
So we worked it off by pretending to gamble...
The End

Red Lobster

2011-06-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

If you decide, during a girls/bachelorette weekend, to spend some time at a pool lounging in the sun less than a week before your nuptials, please consult a sunscreen expert, like a dermatologist or a fair-skinned redhead. If you don't your smugness for actually remember to bring sunblock will quickly be shattered when, even though you thought you applied the cream thoroughly, you find that you are a lobster five hours later, save it be a handful of random spots where you actually did apply enough sunscreen. You will be in mind-boggling pain, and though you apply aloe every hour on the hour it will do little to comfort you when you go to places where wearing a bra is absolutely mandatory. You will most likely be peeling on your wedding day and the thought of taking a sunny honeymoon cruise the week following your I do's may or may not give you night terrors. Moreover, you will learn the hard way that when your fairest-skinned friend, who is watching you apply sunscreen says under her breath "I don't trust your application," you should probably heed the comment.

Nerd alert

2011-06-22T12:04:00.000-07:00

I love reading books and then seeing the movies. I don't know why but it really gets me going. Of late I have read/watched a couple that I have some opinions about....

Water for Elephants. It made me look at circuses differently....should I ever look at a circus....err. The book was better than the movie but I still liked both. It was a good story, fast paced and it made you think. Part of it is told from a 93 year-old man's perspective and it is so real as he talks about getting old and how people treat him and who he is now compared to how he used to be.
It has kind of changed how I interact with older folks and has given me pause about how I will be if I get old. (I say if because sometimes I text while I am on the road and if I don't stop it could do me in early - I'm working on it ok?) Would I recommend? Yes for sure. Unless you are my mom. Mom, that's a no for you. (She doesn't like when things get really intense in books and movies).

Winter's Bone. Eh. To be honest the only reason I read it was because I saw there was a movie about it. It was a rough read. It's kind of a slice of life from this girl that has had every hardship thrown at her and is just trying to track down proof that her dad is dead so she can save their land. It's set in present time but in the Ozarks, where people still marry their cousins, have family feuds (not the game show but rather death matches sometimes) and instead of moonshine they cook meth for their livelihood. It wasn't the worst thing I've read but at the end of it all I really couldn't say much about it. I didn't really walk away with anything other than maybe a better understanding of the present day Ozarks, something I could have probably done without, thanks. Sooo.... I am giving it an "eh."

Back to Mockingjay.

Woeful slumber

2011-06-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

He says wedding planning stress is not getting to him. But this is what I walked into yesterday. Not exactly sleeping like a baby, are we? Notice his right hand in a permanent forehead slap position. I am pretty sure he was in deep REM and when he woke up his left knee had deep carpet marks.

How?

2011-06-13T15:04:00.000-07:00

How do I cooly brag about getting a hole-in-one, when I don't even golf, without revealing that it was at a mini golf course at Hollywood Connection during a small child's birthday party?
I can't?
Whatever.
Fine. But it was still a hole in one and I didn't see any of those other smelly tweens pulling that off. Huzzah.

A San Francisco Story

2011-06-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

I visited the city by the bay for the first time this month due to a work trip. I would be there a week and plane tickets were astronomical, since it was over Memorial Day weekend. So the night before I flew out, J hopped on a Greyhound with some interesting bus folk and met me out there, 15 hours later, for the week. Love. In the time we had I think you could say we gave SF the tourist treatment.
Double Decker tour bus with hilarious ESL bus driver? CHECK
Chilly winds and humidity resulting in mind-boggling hair, and wondering why everyone was marveling at what "such good weather" it was? CHECK
Famous Painted Ladies? CHECK
Lombard Street? (From a distance, we couldn't get our tour bus driver to drive down it, which was surprising because he had no problem driving that behemoth like a go-cart every where else) CHECK
Getting tangled in and inexplicable double helix? CHECK
Alcatraz from a distance because it was way too bloody cold to get on a boat? CHECK
My new favorite place, the staggeringly beautiful Palace of Fine Arts? CHECK
Failed car photo of SF from across the bay? CHECK
Riding a giant whale? CHECK
More crazy hair from atop Berkley? CHECK
Poor wiring in Chinatown that I am surprised didn't cause J's OCD electrical engineering head to explode? CHECK
Pier 39 and more bad hair? CHECK. I really can't with the climate there. I was pretty much cold and ugly that whole day.
Golden Gate? Of course. CHECK
Yes I realize that I've left out the trolley cars but they were down the whole time we were there, which was a bummer because we were right downtown off of Market Street. I did learn some lessons the hard way about SF that I will need to remember the next time I visit, when I feel like I want to give some bad hair and freeze to death again.
- Don't bring a car. BART. Driving sucks, parking is like $55 a night even if you are at a hotel. I turned our car in on day two.
- Bring a coat, and an umbrella, and rain boots and a wind breaker.
- Bring ample chedda, because this place isn't cheap.

All in all: It's a pretty vertical city. Lot's to see. I'm good for now.

Special thanks goes out to Kayla, our second tour guide, and for the thrills of accelerating the car down 45 percent grades on blind intersections. My butt cheeks are still clenched.

Congratulations!!

2011-06-07T14:03:00.000-07:00

You are unequivocally the DUMBEST Bachelorette ABC has ever put on this show.

Hey, there network execs. Maybe it's time you go looking for some fresh blood than just old show cast offs. They were cast off for a reason. What happened to the days of the pro football player, or handsome hier, or prince? Now we get second-rate airline pilots and dental school drop outs. Let's get back to our roots, shall we?

"Just remember, bee yourself".....unless yourself is an overreacting idiot

2011-06-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

Annoyed I was slightly dozing during the lonnnnng introduction to the conference keynote speaker. How you would need an introduction for the person who is going to introduce the keynote is beyond me. If I had to guess, there were probably a thousand or so people in this massive ballroom at the Mascone Center in San Fancisco for the speech. So to avoid the crowd, I opted to sit in the middle of the very sparsely populated rows on the perimeter of the room. People don't generally move to the middle of a row, you know. They see a completely emptily row or bench and plop down on the outside, forcing the awkward "crawl over" on people wanting to get to a vacant seat inside the row. It baffles me, but I've seen it a hundred times at church, school and work, this conference being no exception. Sure enough, a minute after I claimed a seat in the middle two older men capped the row taking the end seats. It was good though because with half a dozen perfectly empty rows in front of me I figured it granted me the the ability to sprawl out and spread my stuff out on the chairs around me. But a couple of loud morons ruined that when they, two women in stuffy pants suits undermined by the ample cleavage they were rockin, climbed over the men and sat their generously proportioned asses a seat away from me. I saw the two men looking around just like I was, searching for a reason why, with so many empty rows, did these two feel the need to be right up on us. So, I allowed myself to doze, calming my annoyance with the overly perfumed morons and their mind-numbing convo about why orange juice pulp is icky. A few minutes passed and the long drawn out intros had just gotten over when I felt a violent shove. Moron #1 was practically on my lap and staring, horrified, at a bee that was crawling on the back of the seat in front of her. People were staring and I was still trying to figure out what the big deal was when the damn bee started to take flight. Moron #1 then jumped off my lap/shoulder and attempted to run mindlessly down the row. With no regard to my feet, knees or bags, she tripped immediately over my legs, landing on top of my knees as if she was due for a spanking (or a paddlin' as my mom would say.) Even so, she was still not far enough away from the bee so she started air-swimming/crawling with her legs doing flutter kicks on my knees and then, after getting off my lap, loudly grabbing the backs of chairs, tripping, falling, and then getting up again, all the while whimpering like she was being chased by a killer. She was so loud that the keynote, who happened to be the Under Secretary of Education, stopped her address and said "Is everything ok over there? Do we need to check that out?" Conference officials quickly came over and calmed her in hushed tones and eventually she returned to her seat. I figured since she had practically given me a lap dance we were familiar enough for me to ask if she was ok. But it came out, "Are you allergic to bees or something?" "No." she said. "I was just scared."

40 days and 40 nights...left

2011-05-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

Where is the time going??

{this is just a little preview to the amazing engagement pics Amelia took}

Goodbye old friend, for now..

2011-05-17T11:06:00.001-07:00

For the past two days I've been roused to consciousness around 7 a.m, despite the fact that I've gone to bed post 1 p.m. Being spoiled with blackout blinds for a few years makes even muted morning rays hard to get used to. My muscles are yet to completely recover from the move and I have limited clothes to wear because I can't bring myself to tackle the beast of unpacking anything that doesn't reside on a hanger. But after spending over two hours in a luxurious massive bath tub, going on a jog on the nearby scenic river path and having an entire fridge and kitchen to myself, instead of just a few shelves and cupboards, I have decided I could get used to couples condo life, for a little while anyway.

I have moved around my whole life, and the time I spent on Argyle, after buying the place five years ago, was the longest I have ever stayed in one spot in my life. It was there I first learned the hard way that a house has a thing called an air filter and it needs to be changed every few months. It was there I felt so empowered when I fixed a leak and learned about pilot lights and sprinkler systems. My originally "black" thumb started showing hints of green and I learned that garage door openers don't grease themselves, vinegar removes hard water and that RoundUp is the next best thing since the lawn mower. I think it was there that I really became an adult and realized that "yeah, I can wear these big girl pants."

So during the 24-hour span when a new girl decided she had to have my room and J and I got the green light to lease the new condo for a year (yes that all happened together) I may have had a panic attack. Or two. I mean, sure I am getting married to a great guy and picking out a dress and planning an event for this summer where there will be cake and some dancing. That's an idea that I have been used to for 6 months. But woah. Leaving Argyle? And Gloria, Edith, Monica and Jim? (my plants) Leaving my veritable child, 2fresh, and my sister, Tanya, and our late night talks/mean girl brawls, and my black out blinds and walk-in closet? That took another 48-hours to get used to - for all of us.

Fast-forward another three-weeks after a grueling yet socially-intensive move and a few days of unpacking non-clothing items....

I dig it. Dig the place, the pool, the hot tub, the locale, the fact that I am living across from one of my besties (who I lived with before I bought my house). Yep, I could definitely do this for the next year. Then when J finishes his engineering degree and green construction certifications next spring, we will figure out what to do after that. Maybe back to Argyle, maybe somewhere else. We'll see. But for now I am just trying to summon the courage to conquer my boxes of clothes. Come help me/do it for me. Please? I'll make you dinner and we'll watch an Arrested Development marathon. Any takers?

Secretariat....only not a horse..

2011-05-04T14:48:00.000-07:00

.....But if my 17 year-old baby brother were a horse he would most definitely have won the Triple Crown. This month he casually announced that he was voted prom king, and student body president, and if also being Yearbook Editor and a 3.97 honors student, while taking college credit, wasn't enough, he also was accepted as a delegate for Idaho Boys State this summer. How he stays humble enough to be my butler every time I go to visit my parents, I will never know. But Toad, I want to be like you when I grow up!

Triple Crown: three top thoroughbred races, Preakness Stakes, Belmont Stakes and Kentucky Derby, only 11 horses have won the Triple Crown in the last 100 years and there hasn't been a Triple Crown winner since 1978.

(I only knew that because Amelia took us to see Secretariat.)

I was laughing out loud for 20 minutes...

2011-05-03T13:09:00.000-07:00

It's a sad day when I actually feel a tad sorry for the Donald. It had to have been a tough night for him. Seth Meyer and Obama took him to the wood shed.

Que Aproveche!

2011-05-01T10:42:00.000-07:00

I have been on my dad for years about cooking fish. Unlike me, my family members aren't big seafood eaters. But as a lure my dad would always say "if you come visit us I will cook you a fish dinner." It rarely happened, save one time, in a stretch of three years or so. Well this weekend he was uncharacteristically gleeful about our arrival. He was calling literally every 15 minutes to find out where we were and when we would arrive because he had "dinner" waiting. I walked into this.....

Yes, that would be a boiled egg, carrots, a few sardines and a chocolate strawberry. You have a sick sense of humor Dad, and opening a can does not constitute "making seafood."

The big day

2011-04-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

There are weddings, there are graduations, there are births.... and there are days that you get your new Mac.

To health and happiness, clink!

She won. First Place. Again.

2011-04-06T13:46:00.000-07:00

She should be bronzed. We could title it The Angelina. Couldn't be prouder.

This. Is. Wrong.

2011-04-04T15:16:00.000-07:00

I like bacon. And I like icecream. But Denny's, you have taken it too far.

A new personal best

2011-03-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

It was an amazing adventure. I pushed fate to its limit and came up victorious. This weekend my car, Abigale, was on E. Gassing my car up is among one of those annoying things that I hate doing like cleaning my closet, sweeping my garage and getting the mail. Luckily, J will generally get out and do it if I pull up to a station and he is in the car. Love his genteel. So sometimes I will wait until he is with me to fill up. But last week it didn't happen. It had been on empty with the gas light on for like a day when we decided to go to a movie in WV. I wanted to take Abigale so I could finally gas her up but I under-estimated exactly how low I was. Lower than I had ever seen it. Ever. Even so, I was up to the challenge and couldn't resist the potential feeling of accomplishment when I set a new gas gauge record. We made it to the movie, but since we were late I may or may not have done a little bit of hot-rodding on the way over and leaving the theater we were lower than I had ever even imagined it could go. I was scared that I had flown too close to the sun. But there was a Costco station across the way, and J reassured me that if we run out of gas he could push it to the station. Well when we got over there it was closed. Crap. We realize that there wasn't a gas station, that we knew of, for about two miles. It was raining and it was cold, which upped the suck factor should we run out. I'll spare you the dramatics and my theatrical inner monologue that played in my head, which may or may not have included the line "playing a dangerous game." But we did end up making it to another station with the needle the lowest it has ever been and less than a 1/5 of a gallon to spare. I can drink a fifth of a gallon of propel in one minute. It was a new personal best and I think I even gave Kramer a run for his money. But don't worry Dad, I won't be doing that again anytime soon, unless someone one-ups me.

Round 1

2011-03-25T12:41:00.000-07:00

When I was in the 6th grade I had a P.E. teacher tell me I was exceptionally strong and should look into joining the junior high track team. I never considered myself to have any sort of athletic prowess outside the swimming pool and maybe the little league field. Plus the idea of track and field scared me more than other sports because that meant running. It was practically built in the title. For a chubby slow kid, individual competitive sports were not something that I saw myself doing. But I figured it can't hurt to try it out once, a sentiment that for some reason I haven't been able to shake since then. I don't specifically remember my first day, rather my first years on the track team. A lot of running, side aches, trying not to throw up, maniacal drills, dreading the sound of a whistle and coming in laste EVERY time. What kept me going was, after the sometimes humiliating hours of conditioning, I would get in the shot-put or discus ring, where I got the dose of reassurance that I belonged there.

Now take that scenario and subtract the dose of reassurance and that is where I found myself this week, trading in the throwers ring for the boxing ring. No need to re-read. I did say boxing. Before you have a panic attack, mom, let me first say that it is all non-combative. I am just training, learning, and sometimes wanting to die. I am the only one that can't do at least one pull-up, one of only three girls there, I come in last in the sprint drills and my left knuckles are sore only because I can't get my left hook right. I know I don't innately belong there, and to be honest probably would not have gone back if it wasn't for intense positivity and encouragement from from trainers and other people in my class. Not that I needed the encouragement from them, I just needed to know that they weren't annoyed I was there. Thanks guys. Oh, and the pink boxing gloves were kind of a perk too.

If you are looking for why, I don't really have an answer for you. I have a cool friend that is a real boxer at another gym and that fact put the notion in my head. It pushes me to my outer limits physically, and for some reason I dig that (probably because of Jr. High). It's kick A exercise. And it's something I've never tried and know nothing about, just like rugby, SCUBA, solo international travel, and quite a few other good things in my life at one time were. So we'll see how long I can survive it. I am pretty much sore all over my body and question whether I will be able to walk down the stairs to go home tonight. But as long as they'll have me I plan to return. For a while anyway. I'll keep you posted.

Behold....

2011-03-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

Oh how I love photoshop. Thanks DJ

The Next 25 of.......

2011-03-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

Ok. It's definitely been a long time coming but here is the third leg of the 100 things I love marathon. My goal is to stay on it daily and finish by May.

51. Nyquil
52. Kettlecorn from the fair
53. My new iPad, yet to be named
54. That boy on the bus that gave up his seat for a girl
55. The voice of Doraleen Martha Levao. It's like warm honey butter on a fresh scone after you come in from shoveling the driveway after a blizzard.
56. A Suze Orman verbal spanking.... and I am kind of obsessed with one day getting her approval.
57. Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads. Always hilarious, they've never let me down.
58. Zupas. I fell in love with soup all over again.
59. Pomegranates - especially in my oatmeal
60. My baby bro - the funniest guy in the world
61. Junior Malili
62. My 64 inch strand of freshwater pearls I got from J
63. My Apply magic trackpad. One you go track, you'll never go back
64. Laughing Cow cheese
65. Tissues with aloe and lotion in them
66. My roommate/child/karaoke goddess 2Fresh. Her gang signs, her poses, her healing touch, her dance moves, her hashbrowns. I love it all..
67. My black, manly grenade looking iPhone cover that has saved my iphone COUNTLESS times (this morning I dropped it on concrete stairs and it still works like a charm)
68. Valentines Day. Ok I know that sounds lame because, really if you were to ask someone what the ratio of good V-day's are to their bad/annoying ones, the latter would win out. But sue me. For the first time I got surprises, flowers, chocolates and jewelry all on one day. It kicked A. So ya, I stand by number 68.
69. Crossing things off To Do lists.
70. Kourtney Kardashian. Judge me, but I think she is funny and pretty.
71. The Allstate Mayhem guy. Funny and oddly hot.
72. David Sedaris Books. HILARIOUS
73. Cheeseballs....... to my everlasting shame.
74. Receiving packages in the mail. At one time my roommate and I had a competition to see who could have the biggest package delivered. She won with her overpackaged thigh high boots.
75. Getting a full 8 hours of sleep and waking up rested and refreshed without an alarm

See here for extended list

Eh..... I've had better

2011-03-12T23:58:00.000-08:00

We were on a streak of some fairly good movies - The Fighter, The Kings Speech, and Just Go With It. But it was bound to end and was finally declared dead about 11:55 pm tonight.

Battle: Los Angeles. The name itself sounds more like a video game than a movie. But the movie had just about as deep a plot as your average video game. More importantly the story line of BLA has been done. Multiple times. Basically if you take the movie Independence Day back in '96 and give it a heavy sedative, you'll get Battle: Los Angeles. Really the only difference is in plot and character development. ID had it. BLA didn't. At all. In ID you cared when characters were offed, BLA you barely remembered who was who when they were killed, and even if you did you were ok with it because there were really no likable characters in the lot. ID had some moments where you'd get chills and were on the edge of your seat, BLA had moments when my fiance would start snoring. Moreover BLA had moments and scenes that ended up having no relevance to the movie whatsoever, and at the end, albiet exhausted and borderline bored, I was surprised and disappointed to see the credits rolling because there were SO MANY loose ends and unanswered questions.

My guess at one point there was a conversation that went like this:
Producer 1: We have been shooting for three months, are way behind and so far only basically have the combat scenes, that are awesome and expensive.
Producer 2: Well we are already over budget so find a way to make it work with what we have.
Producer 1: Ok

Aaron Eckhart gets an A for an awesome performance, being quasi-hot, and delivering the only compelling lines the entire movie.
Special effects and things that go boom get an A as well.
Battle/Combat scenes get a B+ because they were really good but hard to tell what was going on.
Story line: D -
Character Development: D
Plot Development D-

All in all I give it a C-

This has been this week's Reviews by Jacelle by Jacelle

It's a girl!!!!!

2011-03-12T14:14:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the blog world little one!!

Ahem....

2011-03-03T09:07:00.000-08:00

Really weather dudes? I mean, I get that you don't always know exactly what the weather is going to be, but you can know what it is doing at the present moment. Can you at least get that right? You're killing me this week.

Latanya.....

2011-02-28T11:28:00.000-08:00

She is smart, stunningly beautiful, and hilarious. She is also certifiably the worst parker in the world. Hahaha. And no she was not drunk.

Why can't I be...

2011-02-24T14:45:00.000-08:00

I've never really wanted to be somebody else. I think that's partly because I have been lucky enough to have a pretty good life and partly because, after close scrutiny of those I may possibly want to be, I inevitably find flaws or challenges that I would rather not have to deal. I think that is my mind's natural response to avoid the feeling of envy, but if that's the case it sure failed me this morning. I was watching 20/20 on my while I was getting ready this morning and saw something that has irrevocably changed me forever......

...I want to be her. I want to have her life. I have wanted to be a mermaid my entire life. I grow my hair out for the sole purpose of being able to skinny dip and have my locks cover the girls. I am completely in love with the ocean and NEVER get tired of being in the water. Sure I can dive and be under for hours. But dive gear is a bit restrictive. You can't effortlessly cut through the water looking staggeringly beautiful with a sparkly sleek tail and gossamer fins. She is amazing and feel slighted that I am not her.

It's time....

2011-02-17T08:50:00.000-08:00

My Dearest February,
I think it's time we end this. It's not you, it's me...and a little bit you. You are a great month. You have been a stepping stone in my life from winter to spring and thus have been a pretty important space of time. But I really can't live this lie anymore, pretending everything is ok with us. It's not. You play with my emotions, you are hot and cold, you make me feel fat and pasty and I never know where I stand with you. I don't know whether or not I should wear boots or sandals. From one hour to the next I don't know if I should work out outside or go to the gym, rake leaves or shovel snow and you force me to wear bronzer. Not ever knowing what to expect from you is exhausting and I think it's time I move on (and by move on I mean get back with you in 24 hours and then break up for good in two weeks - the first one never takes). We will always have our memories...V-day (which was excellent this year), Jazz games, the Globetrotters and soup. You were always a good month for soup.

Sincerely

Your soon-to-be ex, who was never really all that committed in the first place.

Will you accept this .... blogpost?

2011-02-04T22:30:00.000-08:00

Some take-aways so far from The Bachelor

- ABC's glaring lack of ethnic diversity on this show is really starting to get ridiculous and maybe even embarassing.

- Daddy issues are highly unattractive in men in their mid-30s, despite having 3 percent body fat, an 8-pack, broad bronzed shoulders and an ass that won't quit.

- I think the Bachelors they put on the show are getting dumber and dumber

- I don't get the crying. I mean sure, after a while leaving would suck because you are leaving girls that you made friends with, and you are being rejected. But crying because you just really liked him or your "heart is broken?" I mean these are grown women. Like 30 year old women. Do they cry after the guy they go out with once or twice doesn't call them back? Probably not. So then how does the same concept not apply here?

- Girls that talk about other girls, especially talk about the other girls to the Bachelor, NEVER win. EVER. They rarely even come close. So why, after a decade of this show, do we still have girls on it that run their mouths. Why?

- No amount of hotness is going to make up for crazy.... in the long run.

- Apparently if you are boobless you don't win. Nor do you win if you have short hair. Or red hair. And if you are a girl of color, you don't make it past the first round or you are not on the show period. If you are a male of color (and by color I mean a Latin lover, then you have a better chance.

- As a general rule the Bachelors seem to be bigger tools than the Bachelorettes that are on the show.

- It's getting to the point that the "drama" on the shows are so obviously contrived by producers that it's not even drama to me (but still I can't stop watching)

- So far, after a decade only 16 percent of the Bachelors and Bachelorettes actually get married. Yet how has it maintained its cred as this proposal/marriage show when we all know it probably won't happen.

- Chris Harrison. Why. I noticed he is trying to mix up his outfits this season and wear funky shirts and "cooler clothes." Go for it. But at then end of the day you are still Chris Harrison, still the guy that needlessly points out how many roses are left every other minute when it is already painfully obvious, and yes, still the guy that hits a champagne flute with a knife to get peoples attention. Yep. You are still that guy, no matter what print is on your shirt.

"Ah know, but ah luvem daddy!"

2011-02-04T20:23:00.000-08:00

I am sick with one gnarly cold. Nothing new for this glorious winter of super-viruses, but today I had only the energy to watch a Teen Mom 2 marathon. I am obsessed with that show - no idea why. Maybe because raw stupidity is entertaining. Maybe because the small town hair-dos and poor grammar takes me back to my years in high school living in Idaho, or maybe, when I am feeling down in the dumps, it's a reminder that it can always get worse. Who knows. But here are some take-aways from today's six-hour marathon.

- Lip studs only look like mutant moles. No exception
- Chewing tobacco is beyond sick and I am baffled that people still do it.
- When teens chew tobacco it makes me sad. Then angry. Then sad again.
- If your hair is curly, but you straighten a bang or two in the front.... we can still see it's curly. And if you meant to do that, well, then that just makes me sad...again.
- If you are going to cry on network television, make sure you don't cry ugly.
- If they established "You can't change him" classes for girls in high school, it would sidestep a lot of laughable stupidity. Then again, the "wrap it up" class obviously didn't do that much good so...
- If you send douchy text messages or say douchy things, they are going to look at least 4.25 times more douchy on network television. Maybe show some restraint.

Utah Republicans Unleashed....

2011-01-31T11:12:00.000-08:00

For some reason I can't embed, but this was too good to pass up...

The New Years post

2011-01-27T12:38:00.001-08:00

I figure since its still January I am still permitted to do a New Years post. It's been no secret that '08 and '09 have really done me no favors. And because even-numbered years seem to be my most challenging (read euphemism for $#*tty) years I was bracing for a rough ride in 2010. Not so. It was actually pretty good. I...

- Discovered the joy of backyard garden parties
- Had the best surprise birthday party of my life
- Had the best donut
- Went to Disneyland (It was the thought)
- Went on a carnival ride for the first time in a decade (again, it was the thought)
- Had the longest streak of no broken nails ever
- Started a new job
- Didn't kill one plant and in fact made a tropical flower bloom
- Went on a staycation
- Got engaged
- Discovered the gas-saving convenience of public transportation
- Didn't have any car trouble or phone trouble
- Got some fun gadgets i.e. a Canon D5000 SLR, iPad (through my job)

.....That all being said I can't help but wonder if in this new decade the trend is going to shift to my good years being even now and my rough years odd. If so, it's off to a slow start. Because so far in 2011 I've....

- Lost 4 lbs
- Won a free wedding cake
- Had an awesome birthday party
- Vanquished an evil roommate and had Tanya move in, making our roommate situation about as blissful as it gets and by blissful I mean the Real World only with all girls, but no grudges.
- Made steps to be more fiscally responsible
- Hated Zumba less (hip-hop is way better)
- Engaged in another few months of girl's nights watching "The Bachelor"
- Spent five days with my long-time bestie
- Started a long awaited ballroom dancing class

So who knows. Maybe the new trend will be that there is no trend. I'm on the edge of my seat....

Woah woah woah

2011-01-24T11:43:00.000-08:00

Hold the H up. I was looking for a solid news story that has explanation to this whole Zodiac change business. Near as I can tell (nutshell) is that a shift in the earth's axis or "wobble," in the last 3,000 years has created a new sign under the Zodiac thereby pushing back the former zodiac dates. But the new sign only applies to those born after 2009. There is a lot of other explanations out there but this one seemed to be the most pervasive. I'm not sure if that is entirely correct and I could have looked into it a little bit more. It's just that frankly it doesn't really mean that much to me since I don't live and die by my horoscope. And even if I did, good luck telling me I am not a Capricorn.

But that's not the point. As I was sniffing around trying to find some answers while trying to avoid all the hysteria I ran across this blog comment that said "This sucks! now I am just a boring normal Capricorn."

OK. Yeah, as Caps we may generally have our crap together. We are driven, ambitious, generally more practical than most and are not ruled by are emotions. We can seem aloof, tend to be realists, fall into the "boring" trap of saving money, and we don't fall in love at the drop of a hat. But damn. We are far from boring.

We may be reliable but we are also the loyalist of the signs as long as you don't piss us off (and sometimes even then). We may appear "straight-laced" but we deliver "splendor beneath the sheets." We may be no-nonsense but we posses "effortless beauty." We may not get a wild hair on a vacation and go streaking on the beach at midnight but chances are we probably own the beach house. We may work a lot, but only because "mediocrity is not an option." We may not be obsessed with love but when we find it we know its worth.

Still think we are boring? Please tell that to Katie Couric, JD Salinger, Mary J. Blige, Martin Luther King, Denzel Washington, Matt Lauer, Dolly Parton, JR Tolkin and Anthony Hopkins.

This blog post is dedicated to Latanya, Emmie, Paul, Nick, Brent and Junior H.

It was a good day

2011-01-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

This actually happened a few weeks ago. I would have shared earlier, but when I was having brunch with Courtney and Jen a while ago, and I told them of my discovery, it was met with Courtney staring at me blankly saying "Is this really happening? Did you just really show us this?" Well whatever, she was just CLEARLY jealous that she did not find the BIGGEST CLAM EVER in a bowl of Zupas Clam Chowder. I am no longer allowed to eat it per my new agreement/contract with my body that it won't continue to layer adipose tissue on my thighs if I give up chowder and just about everything I love. It drives a hard bargain, always has. Nonetheless I challenge you to find a bigger piece of clam in a chowder found in Salt Lake. You find the clam and I'll give you 20 clams. Haha I kill me.

I hate you, I love you

2011-01-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

I HHHAAAATTTTEEEEE winter. ESPECIALLY post-holidays because that very thin silver lining is completely spent the day after New Years. Now it's just going to be three months of crap - my skin in freaking out and dry, I am cold at least 50 percent of the the time, the sky is dark, the air is bad, colds, flus, a bestie of mine slips and falls on my porch on a patch of ice that I have salted a million times....I can go on forever.

But since my new years resolution is to be more positive and optimistic, and somewhat abandon the Capricorn realist in me, I am going to grit my teeth and do my best.

1. Pomegranates are in season
2. Christmas - lights, candy, presents, lots of time off
3. I get to wear all my winter furry boots
4. Scarves
5. Tax returns
6. Snow - as in it's pretty when it is falling and everything seems quiet
7. The cold makes urban campfires that much more cozy
8. It's kind of the season of soup, and I like soup
9. I always find a new appreciation for my warm bed, Alejandro
10. It means spring is next

Oh Facebook, we need to take a break

2010-12-17T15:14:00.000-08:00

12 months of status updates...

On the fourth day of Christmas..

2010-12-16T10:05:00.000-08:00

Dave never fails to deliver.

Pimp Santa

2010-12-14T11:44:00.000-08:00

Taken in Las Vegas last Christmas. If you can't tell, he was eating some kind of danish too. Not sure where he was headed, maybe to a mall to talk to kids, or maybe to the hood to smack up some hos. Either way, seeing this made my trip.

10 year old little liars...

2010-12-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

So I woke up at about 5 a.m. this morning and it felt like the right side of my face was on fire. I couldn't lay on that side of my head and could barely swallow or talk. Long story short a few hours later I was in the doctors office learning that I had a Peritonsillar Abscess (a puss party on the back of my tonsil) and that they were going to pump me with pills and give me a shot in hopes to avoid having to go in and drain the thing. Like most people I'm not a big fan of shots but since I had put my big girl panties on this morning I figured I would have to be an adult about it - something that was made even more difficult since, showing up to the doctor's office as a "walk-in," they put me in the available kids room with brightly colored walls with kid drawings...

Exhibit A
But while anticipating and dreading my shot, and looking at all the drawings, I found comfort in 10 year-old Victoria's message..

Exhibit B

Well Victoria you are a little liar and if you did that picture for a class project I hope you got an F. I don't know what the hell kind of shot you are talking about but obviously it wasn't the slow, thick antibiotic shot that they slowly stick in your hip because that thing hurt so bad I wanted to punch a hole in the wall...and it continued to hurt way after I left. Let's face it Victoria you don't know what you are talking about and you..... never.... did. You were probably referring to some immunization shot you got when you were like five that you barely remember. You irresponsibly created and disseminated to the public inaccurate and false information. I hope your mother grounded you when she saw it or at the very least took you to get an educational tetanus shot. By my count you are probably due for one. In the mean time I have a tip for you. Next time you are asked to draw a picture about something you have no frame of reference on sketch a rainbow and a tree, maybe a few birds, and call it good.

Goodbye Fall

2010-12-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

WTH - This is what I came back from sunny California to...

I guess it's time to say farewell Fall...it's been neat. I'll be honest, you aren't really my favorite, but you managed to show us a good time. We'll see you again sometime.

He must have liked it.....

2010-12-03T15:37:00.000-08:00

Cuz he went and put a ring on it.

Dear Progresso....

2010-11-10T15:33:00.000-08:00

I want to thank you for apparently selling your soul to the darkness in exchange for the recipe to low-fat, low-calorie New England clam chowder. I know that was the only way you were able to create this bowl of steaming creamy goodness and for that I will be forever in your debt.

You might say I am a little bit obsessed with clam chowder. Once I got soaked to the bone in a Virginia squall in exchange for a reputable bowl. I even returned repeatedly to a restaurant that made me sick in the past because their clam chowder was amazing and I refused to believe that it could be the culprit. But even after enjoying the most glorious of chowders, I later suffer from debilitating guilt due to the loaded fat and calories. But what could I do? I had searched for YEARS for a healthy yet decadent tasting clam chowder and always came up short. Well today all that has changed, thanks to you Progresso. I'm not going to say I wasn't skeptical. I mean a chowder that is only 2-points has GOT to be watery, tasteless and probably nothing chowder-like. But within the first taste, angels were dancing on my tongue and I knew my decade-long quest was over. Sorry about your soul, but I know millions will be forever thankful.

Sincerely,

Chowder Power

This time it was me....

2010-11-05T09:25:00.000-07:00

I am a pretty good driver, and an even better parker. Working in downtown Salt Lake City for six years has shaped my skills so that I could probably give lessons on parallel parking. Ya, I'm that good. So good in fact that if I have a passenger with me and I am about to parallel park I can confidently say "watch, you'll learn something." And after I execute a perfect three point maneuver, I'm pretty sure they do. I remember back in college one of my friends/neighbors (I won't mention any names, Shinnick) who was the worst parker in the world. On a few occasions when she had parked with her car halfway into the road getting into our complex, I would bust into her apartment and make her go re-park. Call it what you want but when you're the best you expect the best. Well yesterday I had to be at work (a 40 minute drive from my house) at 7:30 a.m. I had had a late night Denny's reunion with some friends I hadn't seen in about 2 days, and was pretty out of it on the morning drive. When I got to the parking lot it was still dark and the lot was empty. I parked and then went to this event thing til the afternoon. When I was walking out to my car to go home, I was hit with a horror I thought I would never experience...... My first thought of course was WHO MOVED MY CAR??! But then reality set in and I understood the truth. That this abomination of a parking job was done with my own two hands (and foot). Me? Not me? I am the parking champion! Always have been. I couldn't have...I wouldn't have... After standing there dumbfounded I squeezed into the drivers side of my car, not before getting my bra under-wire caught on the top of my door, and sat there pondering whether or not I even knew who I was anymore. In time though, I realized it was the gods way of telling me that even legends falter from time to time. But even so, they are still legends.

(Forgive the paranoid blur out of my plates. A few years ago I had some threats, based on someone knowing the details of my car and a toothpick in my pocket, after I wrote a story that apparently upset them. For more details and hilarity on that see Amelia)

One more reason I regret those 46 candy bars I ate on Halloween

2010-11-02T08:43:00.000-07:00

If you need motivation to not stuff your face this holiday season....
or
You just want to feel fat
or
You want to see what the Italian looks like that has been known to out-eat Polynesians like its nothing.
or
You want to see what determination, drive, ambition and hotness look in a single package that has taken multiple figure competitions......
I give you Angelina....

PS - Nope. Still can't kick my ass. And the one time when I was sore and sick and coming out of a Nyquil fix in college does NOT count.

$20 if you can sing the theme song to ........

2010-11-01T09:11:00.000-07:00

This Halloween I fancied myself as a chubby brown Jem (or Hologram, whatevs)...

...whose boyfriend Robby, was also a rocker.....And then I sexually harassed a gladiator into taking his shirt off........and then made friends with a wolf and an apparently confused and paranoid, sword wielding Marilyn Monroe...

Hilarz

2010-10-19T10:58:00.001-07:00

Thanks 2Fresh

I was there..... kind of

2010-10-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

Last night around 7:15ish the last miner was pulled from the Chilean mine that had caved in and trapped 33 men inside back in August. I was at the gym on the elliptical, white knuckled and watching the whole thing. But in retrospect, I did some things I regret.

Did I cry when they pulled Luis out, the last miner and the so called hero of the group? Yes

Was I able to stop crying? No, not for about three minutes.

Did someone say something about my emotional display? Yes. And I responded loudly (because I knew she wasn't the only one that noticed so I wanted to make sure everyone knew that I wasn't crying for personal reasons because then I would be "that girl with the sad life" and no one wants that) that they pulled out the last miner and it was an emotional moment.

Did I respond a bit overly annoyed when she said she had no idea what I was talking about? Yes, and I even said "seriously?!" rolled my eyes and pointed out it has been on the news for straight two months.

Did I then go into a long explanation of the situation and why it was so intense and emotional? Yes, and then I acted annoyed again when only one person acted like they cared.

Did I then cry again a few minutes later when the Chilean president was lovingly looking at Luis and thanking him for his heroism? Yes.

Do I wish I could take back those actions and/or avoid seeing those three women and weird dude that was probably only agreeing with me so I wouldn't cry any more? Yes.

Can we talk about skinny jeans?

2010-10-04T14:06:00.000-07:00

Boys:
Don't do it. Ever.

Thin Girls With Trim Legs:
Do. I'm not going to hate on you. You guys can pull off anything and make it work for you so get on with your bad selves.

Girls who don't have petite model bods:
I am not just popping off here. I have read what fashion experts have to say because I wanted to make sure that I wasn't out in left field. Indications are if you are "thicker, like sizes 12-14, "you can still pull them off but be choosy about which ones you buy." Woah wait. Excuse me? Size 12 is "thick??!!" Shoot. Vogue refused to acknowledge that anyone over a size 14 would even look at skinny jeans. Not that you should be a style slave to fashion magazines, but sometimes they know what they are talking about.

In short? If you're thick for real... Don't. Do. It. You are beautiful - true. A less than runway modelesque body shouldn't limit your style - true. But if you are strapping a tight pair of these things on when you can't pull it off it will straight up kill your look. Your cute bubble butt will look enormous, your deliciously thick and maybe muscular thighs and legs will look like tree trunks, and your hip width will be grossly exaggerated by the harsh taper. And you don't want that right? It's like bikinis. I, for one, cannot and should NOT ever even try to pull one off. Ever. But that doesn't stop me from rocking a hot halter one-piece at the beach. Hells ya. The same sentiment applies here. Do you, but do it right.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen of Fashionia

The coolest thing I have seen since the 'Evolution of Dance' video.

2010-10-04T10:14:00.000-07:00

Courtney, I know you are dancing to this in your office.

Why I know I am entitled to a GREAT weekend...

2010-10-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

Because so far this week I......

Missed Trax and the express bus twice.
This means being forced to ride the regular bus where 4.6 seconds after acceleration I am soundly motion sick and then there are people with space issues, neck tattoos, and a handful that, on more one occasion, have openly had heated conversations with themselves.

Tweaked my shoulder working out.
I've tweaked a lot of things in my day but my right shoulder has proudly remained unscathed despite my glorious seven years of throwing shot-put. Streak broken.

Had to sit next to a BYU Spanish professor that had mind-boggling halitosis.
And I DO mean the worst I have ever wiffed. In. My. Life. I though my olfactory system was going to revolt and refuse me air.

My last working earphones broke.
Nothing here. It just sucked.

Broke a nail that I JUST painted.

..And was called "sir" on the phone. AGAIN.
No, I don't want to talk about it.

So convenient rational tells me I am going to have a kick A weekend. I'll let you know how it goes.

Update: It was.

Heard on the train this morning....

2010-09-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

A guy was asking this guy sitting next to me the following series of questions. The guy took it all in stride and answered all of the questioners very enthusiastic inquiries. But I had to look out the window a few times to hide the laughter...

What time is it?
What's your name?
What kind of a phone is that?
Well now what kind of phone color is that?
Where did you get it?
Will you get me one like that?
If I dip carrots in dressing will it affect my weight?
Do you like Red Lobster?
Do you know how to make a roast?
With carrots?
Do they have clock radios at Walmart?
How much are they?
What colors do they have?
Will you get me one?
What's in your bag?
Why do you have a red Mt. Dew?
Will you take me to lunch today?

A Wendover Story......

2010-09-20T09:48:00.001-07:00

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH...............

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH........

UHHHHHHHHH.............

AWWWWW...............

We've been through a lot....

2010-09-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

My plant Gloria and I have been through it this summer. We've had ups, we've had downs. She's had to deal with my occasional neglect and I have had to manage her excessive neediness. Well it all paid off yesterday when I found this little number. It's made it all worthwhile. Thanks G. I'll consider it an autumn gift.

Update: A damn cat ate the bloom. But another one is coming..

American entitlement. Guilty as charged.

2010-09-15T17:33:00.000-07:00

People were ticked. and I mean just PISSED. I just got off the UTA express bus running from UVU in Orem to Sandy Trax, and you would have thought we just came from the veritable hell of the New Orleans Superdome after Katrina. The bus was crowded - as in standing room only - back to front crowded. Students had to take off their backpacks to allow more room to stand and were breathing sweet nothings in each others ears. True - I would think there would be some kind of a code against that many riders on a bus, but based on reactions I am pretty sure some people felt that their human rights were being violated. People were yelling at how UTA was turning a blind eye because it was Orem and not "Salt Lake." Man-boys majoring in economics were tittering about how bus officials were unfairly spending taxpayer dollars and middle-aged yuppies were bemoaning the risk of picking up "that flu-bug going around" with people in such close proximity to each other. And one guy some how got a hold of the intercom and asked passengers to "unite" and call or write UTA to let them know that "we won't stand for this!" Bear in mind this ride was only as packed for about 11 minutes until the bus arrived in American Fork where it emptied almost by half......

Cue flashback sequence......................

It took me back to about two years ago when I was in Fiji on a bus. The bus was about 48 years-old, for one, with broken glass on some of the windows. In the back there were a bunch of chickens in cages and wood planks replaced cushions on some of the seats. If the fowls didn't contribute enough to the stench on board, the mind-boggling B.O. from passengers in closed-quarters with no AC topped it right off. By the end of that bus ride not only was it packed but strangers were literally sitting on each others laps to make more standing room in the aisles...... And no one said a word. It was business as usual for them.

.................Back to present

Nonetheless, I am all about due process and conflict resolution. After my own seat partner got off the bus on our route's only stop between Orem and Sandy, I adjusted my personal overhead air-vent along with my absent neighbors, leaned against the shaded glass on the spotless window, opened my laptop, and while using the convenient on-board wireless the UTA express offers, I sent the transit authority an email suggesting an extra bus run to alleviate crowding. God bless America.

Boyz II Men ...II hotness

2010-09-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

I am lame. I haven't been to a concert since Prince like three years ago. But what a way to make a concert comeback. The Boyz II Men concert was amazing. If I had been a touch closer I would have thrown my panties on stage. Believe it.

The next 25 of the.....

2010-09-10T09:11:00.000-07:00

Ya, it has maybe taken me longer than I thought in this quest but I am getting there. Sprinkles and glitter for all!

26. Arrested Development - it paved the way for shows like The Office and Modern Family and was the best show on television before its untimely departure off the air.
27. People who say the word "splendid"
28. Zippo barbecue lighters
29. A good Mars Roll
30. Don Henley, circa 1989
31. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
32. Amelia's HILARIOUS blog - ameliorateme.blogspot.com
33. McDonalds Hazelnut Iced Coffee - Thanks Ange for making me crave it fortnightly. You suck.
34. Bubble wrap
35. Super Mario Brothers. The first one. We just got it at my house. Changed my life.
36. Urban Campfires in my backyard
37. Colgate wisps. I have to discipline myself not to use more than two a day.
38. Lenny Kravitz. Love his style, love his bod, love his voice, love his music and LOVE his sexy.
39. 30 Rock. Laugh out loud hilarious.
40. Songs that can make me cry
41. Our new golf cart Jezebel
42. Guys that have a set of their own tools.
43. Simply Sushi in downtown SLC
44. Carlsbad State Beach
45. Costco Hot Dogs....to my everlasting shame
46. Toe socks in the winter. I don't like socks but Utah winters make them a must. But toes socks keep your feet warm while keeping your pigs free
47. RoundUp. Kills weeds on the spot
48. Rob Thomas Cradlesong Album
49. Butter Cream Frosting
50. Dayquil

Goodbye Summer. Thanks for having us.

2010-09-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

Rated R for Sexual Situations

2010-08-27T13:59:00.000-07:00

It's probably the sickest thing that has happened to me since the orange incident of 2004. But by sharing it and getting it out in the open I hope to release some of the horror that I am suffering through with the hourly flashbacks. Yesterday I was trimming the lavender in my flower beds (yes I am officially 65) and I looked down and saw two giant praying mantises having praying mantis sex on my forearm. Clearly they were exhibitionists because she was actively crawling up my arm with him on top. I freaked out and tossed them off. But from their dirty dirty deed they left this thick yellow-white mucus on my arm and right hand...and handle of my trimmers....and shirt... and shorts. It was every where. EVERYWHERE. And there was so... much.. of ..it. (Pause and deep breath) My stomach was turning and I wanted to scream but my neighbor was like 10 feet away getting into her car and I didn't want to cause alarm. But those dirty bugs just kept right on doing it. As my world was falling apart, still mounted, they started crawling up the side of the house, probably for maximum visibility for their sick voyeuristic bug friends. My silver lining, I thought, was that I would be able to see her rip his head off (as lore has it) after they were done. Nope. They just went about their business after. Damn progressives. Just be warned. It's the end of the summer and mantis love is in the air. If you see a mantis couple mounted flee immediately because I am pretty sure they are going to try and get you involved. And its NOT pretty.

Dear Jaywalking Pedestrians in Salt Lake,

2010-08-21T12:54:00.001-07:00

You've been testing me for years and now I'm done. I will no longer be yielding or stopping for you as you traipse across the road without a care. Maybe if I didn't live four blocks away from Energy Solutions Arena (with Jazz games, concerts and other crap every other freakin night) and three blocks away from the Gateway Mall (idiot tourists and moron teenagers), I would have a few more years of patience left in me. But I don't. Today driving by the downtown Farmer's market I heard the audible snap of my patience. And now you are at risk. Even if everyone else stops and enables your inconsideration I will not. YOU will wait for ME, even if you have to stand there in the middle of traffic. And if you don't, and care to play chicken with a Dodge Stratus, well then may God be with you........ Oh and just so you know, most likely there will be a scene. I am not scared of the horn and I will be yelling at you to pull your head out and you will look like a fool. Good Day.

Sincerely,
I'm Through.

Playing Dress-up....lets hope

2010-08-20T10:32:00.001-07:00

Remember Chuck Norris' Walker Texas Ranger show? I am pretty sure my Dad started the cult in "cult following" when it comes to that series (and probably Norris in general. Well remember his side-kick who was a black dude that wasn't quite as badass as Walker (of course) but could do round-houses with the best of them. His get-up was usually a bit tighter than Chuck's and his name on the show was James? Well tell me my brother who in sending me this photo authorizes me to publish it wherever I deem worthy, couldn't have been his stunt double with just a little more sun. Dad: another reason to be proud of your oldest son......

A Disneyland Story......

2010-08-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

OOOOOOOOOOOOH...........

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH........

UGH.......

RRRRRRRRRR........

Baffled

2010-08-06T13:28:00.000-07:00

It was a day like any ordinary day. A day of errands and tasks on a typical midsummer Salt Lake afternoon. My man-friend and I had stopped at a local tire shop to get a couple new tires put on Abigale, my loyal Stratus, and we were waiting for them to finish, when out of nowhere we were hit with the inexplicable. He was of average build, fit, with some miniature muscles showing with his cut-off shirt. He was dressed in a masculine manner and wore nothing that would suggest femininity – he even had a tattoo. Moreover, his demeanor while talking to the manly mechanics at the shop was one of comfort and camaraderie, almost like he belong in a testosteron-ed tire shop – getting greasy and dirty while talking about motorbikes and loose women. But then I looked down and saw what he was toting, and to this day I have never been the same. He was carrying a bedazzled cat purse. Did he just like cats? Does he have a thing for Alice in Wonderland? And why did it have to be bedazzled? Bedazzled! I have been trying to conjure up a likely story so I can lay this to rest but I can come up with NOTHING. Nothing. I... Don’t.....Know. I don’t! And I probably never will. Ever. And I am not sure if I can live with that.

I had to share......

2010-07-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

I was going to post this picture a while ago....to share the beauty of a Salt Lake summer squall and the unique double rainbow that day (plus it was the last day of Pride Week and I remember wondering if its arrival in the sky incited celebratory riots at the festival).

But then.....

I saw this video and realized that my apparent lackluster enthusiasm I had that day for the rainbow was unworthy of the unbelievable "intensity" and magnificence that is a tear-jerking, mind-blowing, baffling double rainbow..

The clip just gets better and better. It gets really exciting at about 1:10. Who ever said drugs weren't funny?

Are we doing this now?

2010-06-28T10:28:00.000-07:00

This is the third time it's happened and I don't know how I feel about it. I mean, I suppose if it's the norm now, and there is widespread acceptance, I will have to get used to it. But more and more people are openly talking on the phone in public restrooms. I mean first of all, like probably everyone else, I confess to tinkle-talking every once in a while. Say you are on the phone and just pull into the garage and you have had to pee for like three hours, but your conversation is too intense to cut it off. Sure I will hit the mute button and go. But that is in the privacy of my own home, in my own room, in my own bathroom, not in a restaurant or a public university. It's most distressing when you are the only other person in the bathroom because you always, at first, think they are talking to you. And responding makes it like 10 times more awkward. Trust. Anyway I am finding it appalling, but if all the kids are doing it these days I suppose I can get used to it. I probably won't embrace it, but I won't be mortified about it. Can someone please enlighten me?

It was a mistake....

2010-06-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

Dear Long Beach Granny's Doughnut (LBGD),

Sorry if this is awkward but I just want to clear the air about our affair last week. What we had was beautiful and special. I had no idea doughnuts could be as amazing and fresh and soft and decadent as you. During my week out there with you I felt like a different girl. A girl that could eat whatever I wanted, a girl that deserves as many baked goods as I can handle, and a girl that can deal with carb/sugar comas. You made me feel alive and I will never forget those late nights and early mornings with you. But LBGD, I am not the girl you think I am. I never was. This, ummmm, thing we had.... it was a mistake and.... and... well...it's over. It has to be. You aren't good for me and I could never be good for you. If maybe someday we run into each other again, I only hope that I will be strong enough to walk away. Thank you for everything and I will never forget you.

Sincerely,

Your Former Lover

Dikini's and Nelwins

2010-06-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

....or...Mordor meets The Shire, depending on your epic blockbuster story of choice. Me, I like the classics.

Terror is spelled U T A

2010-05-24T13:08:00.000-07:00

I have some irrational fears - frostbite, hitting a pedestrian, having someone run a shopping cart into my heels at full speed - just to name a few. But last week I was faced head on with one of those fears when the UTA police stepped onto my TRAX car. Now I really don't know where my UTA Police anxiety stems from. Maybe it's the fact that on occasion I have ventured outside the "free fare zone" from downtown without buying a ticket, or maybe its the simple fact that once they nab you on that car there is no place to go until the next stop and you will have all eyes on you until you get there. Most likely however, it probably stems from the officers' demeanor. I am pretty sure before their shift starts they are shown a video of someone slapping their mama because every time I have seen them they look PISSED. And I mean just ticked off, like the TRAX train was their own personal vehicle that someone was unauthorized to be in. Every time they step on and say "tickets out!" my mind starts to race..."do I have my pass? Where is it? Will they accept it since it is just a UVU card?....Am I not supposed to look them in the eye? Look away!!....OMG did I just pee a little??" Anyway last week was the first time I saw them catch an illegit rider and it was scary. Don't mind that the kid couldn't have been more than 16 years old, using his mom's pass because "she is a teacher and told him it would be ok." They man-handled him off the train really quick and as the officer was walking off the train he threw one mad-dogging glance back to the rest of us as if to say, "I'll get you. Maybe not today, but I am coming for you...coming for you all." Just be advised.

Get off his back

2010-05-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

Sure he has put on a few pounds and he has workout hair but my hell, he looks like a man now. I'm sorry but prepubescent, emaciated, concentration camp victim just didn't really do it for me, even with his god given-good looks.

So true

2010-05-14T10:57:00.000-07:00

Go here for the rest of the article....it's awesome

For me now this is probably only half true since I don't have multiple daily deadlines but dude definitely knows what he is talking about.

No....NO!

2010-05-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

.....seen at the bus stop in Sandy at 8 a.m.....This pretty much ruined my morning.

Ladies and Gentleman....

2010-04-26T09:45:00.000-07:00

I give you..... my best friend. She took the entire novice competition as well as her division. Who would have thought back when we were 15 years-old that the girl with the skinny legs, who refused to wear shorts or bare her arms, would now be a fitness goddess on stage with all that sexy. So proud.

.....but I can still take her, no matter how much trash she talks. Believe it.

It's gonna be a rough day

2010-04-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

If you are enjoying a hearty breakfast of a Fiber One with peanut butter in your office while you are reading emails and you blindly reach for your full aluminum water bottle that you have just put a packet of Propel in, make sure you check that the top is on before you shake it. If the cap is NOT on water will get all over your person, in your hair, on your brand new Apple keyboard and mouse. Moreover you may or may not have to shut the lights off in your office so it looks like you are gone when you see someone you know, who will probably stop in to see you, walking through the main doors — that is if you don't want to explain why the entire right side of your body is doused in water. It will take you about two hours to fully dry and you will smell like kiwi strawberry all day.

S-Words

2010-04-19T14:44:00.000-07:00

I guess you could say that it wasn't really a New Year's resolution to avoid run-ins with the the law, but it was definitely something I was hoping to get around this year. Even so, I got nailed in a small podunk town in Idaho where you are supposedly supposed to go 25 mph. A freakin joke. Who goes 25 unless you are in a school zone. My hell. But now Albion ID will have an extra $150 to spend on something shiny — maybe something that says "this is NOT where bad mullets, mom jeans and El Caminos go to die." So by my count that makes about seven run-ins with law enforcement in a year and a half. I have GOT to get a car that isn't red.